Chapter 10

Safe.

Shower on. I watch the mirror steam up to a blur. That’s good. I don’t want to see my reflection right now.

Unreal.

At times like this, I wish I had a therapist. Not all the time. Just sometimes. After watching a weird campy gore film, I want my ticket refunded to me, please. But then I didn’t go to a theatre, now did I?  I streamed it on my laptop. So, I’m like I would like my play credit back please, my one hundred minutes of wasted life please, and a fucking one session voucher to see a shrink please, because that Giallo fucked me right up!

I feel the same way tonight.

And I thought Gussie was scary. Ha!

Meet his cousin. Lord S & M Seton. Seton. Satan.

Unreal.

I feel so spooked.

Whew! Thank God, I’m an atheist. Really, thank you God for that. Imagine being superstitious and meeting a man like Septimus? El Diablo! El Diablo! But Eevie sure knows how to deal with these men. I nearly fainted from fear. I wish I had that social expertise. To turn a night on its head. Gentlemen, why don’t I sing you a song by Mozart. It’s called “Lick my Ass!”

Too hot! I turn off the hot water tap.

I’m not trying to scald myself here. Not tepid. Just right: hot enough to sear away the surface of my memory. Warm enough that it won’t scald my skin.

I want to forget tonight.

Forget? Good luck!

You know what? I have a bad memory.

Really bad: I remember everything, events, ideas, dreams, faces, all that was said, with such astonishing clarity so much so that every action I take in my life feels like a self-contradiction. My memory comes up to mock me.

Remember when you said that…?

Remember when you thought that…?

Remember when you did that?!

I’m like ‘Bitch, I was there. Don’t remind me!’

A memory that diabolically preserves almost every detail, how can that ever be called good? No wonder I’m pure nerves. There’s a Grecian chorus within me relating the trajectory of my own doom. I wish I could embrace the mind-erasing powers of alcohol. That elixir of Lethe. Uh-oh. I can hear Gussie shouting from the sitting room. What now?

…

“Is this what you want?! You want me to beg you for sex!”

“I’m not fucking you, Gussie! Beg all you want! After this evening? You really are a clueless bastard. You fed your malevolent cousin stories about our sex life. Two fucking pigs engaging in locker room talk.” She says the last sentence in a boorish, nasally, American accent.

“Ah. So, you don’t have your version? Powder room talk?”

“At least I don’t talk about it at the dinner table!”

“Yah. Well... Maybe you bring it out in people, Eevie.”

“Fuck you, Augustin!”

Gussie mumbles something I can’t hear.

“Don’t you put your hands on me!” She screams.

“Please, ma poupée. Don’t be mad at me. Malfie loved you. You were such a success.”

“I don’t give a fuck about your stupid cousin. He’s a shit. Just like you. I don’t love you. I never have. I love Sugar and you destroyed our relationship. You treacherous bastard.”

“Oh! Ha, ha, ha! Here we go again. I love this. Every month this particular Hydra rears another head. It must be linked to that descent of the red. Are you on the rag again, my dear?”

Swat!

“I warned you never to do that! Listen to me you fucking bitch. I didn’t force you to come to my flat that night we met. I didn’t take your clothes off. You did. You undid the buckle of my belt. You took my cock out. And you. Sucked. Me. Off. Don’t try to play the virginial damsel. That whole chaste maid routine won’t work with me.”

The sound of Eevie wailing pierces through my chest and scratches the tender surface of my heart.

“You’re angry at yourself not at me, my dear. I’m all you have. Your Grandfather is dead now. Both your parents are long gone. Your brother is mentally ill. And Sugar?” he scoffs “Sugar isn’t up to you. He can’t do what I do. I’m the only one who can look after you, Eevie. Shhhhh. My darling… Mon cœur… Mon amour… Evie. Shhhh, shhhh. When you lie to me and say you don’t love me it hurts. You’re all I have. You… and Malfie.”

Eevie wails louder.

“Shhhh… let me show you… Let me show you how I feel. Please, darling.”

“I don’t” sniffle sniffle, “want this. I don’t want you!”

“Don’t push me away!”

“Get off me!”

“I love you!”

“You say you love me and you fuck my best friend. You say you love me and you humiliate me in front of your cousin. You say you love me and you hurt me!”

“Beatrix means nothing to me. Eevie, you’re everything.”

“She meant something to me!”

“Shhhh… come here.”

“I don’t want to love you anymore, Gussie. Let me go… Get out.”

Silence.

“Get out! Get out! Get out!”

Silence.

Slam!